Love myself? I do. I think…
I have always felt confident in my ability to make my own way through life, to speak up when I have something to say, to work to meet my needs and reach my goals, to love, understand, and advocate for others, to lead by example, live with integrity, and teach others to do the same. All characteristics of the strong, independent, and genuine individuals we each strive to be. So anytime I encountered the topic of “self-love,” I thought I had it down. I was comfortable with myself, never minded being alone, enjoyed the road my journey took me on, regarded myself as a thoughtful, capable, and decent person, all just as a person who loves their self would. But what I neglected to consider was my self-judgments, my self-talk. I have realized in the past that my self-talk is less than ideal. It often reveals itself as an oversensitivity to any form of critique, as the critique usually touches upon a far more vicious thought I already hold against myself. My mind then snowballs into a tormented account of my self-perceived shortcomings. These thoughts are like several-day old mosquito bites, shallowly hiding in plain sight on the skin, almost forgotten, until suddenly they are activated, itching and raising all hell. In these moments, I am far away from practicing any form of self-love.
So I began to analyze my self-love practice. Surely, I love myself… right? Sure. Well, with some caveats at least.
My analyzation looked something like the following:
I love myself for being genuine, for caring about the wellbeing of others and infusing this into my life and work……. And then I judge myself for forgetting to congratulate a colleague during lunch about the birth of her new granddaughter, or for not calling my own Grams more often.
I love myself for being kind to others……. And then I judge myself for making a snide comment when my significant other gets on my nerves. Because surely that means I’m not as kind as I think then, right?
I love myself enough to buy organic, healthy food with which to nourish my body……. And then I judge myself when I indulge in a late night popcorn and sour gummy worm snack.
I love myself enough to (sometimes) buy clothes and “reasonably-priced” accessories I like, a form of creative expression I enjoy……. And then I judge myself for engaging in frivolous consumerism. And also for being cheap. Ironic, I know.
I love myself enough to take care of my body and appearance, exercising and implementing a routine with quality natural products……. And then I judge myself for applying makeup, ironing my hair, and essentially giving in to societal influences.
Othertimes I love myself enough to forego the makeup and hair iron tools and go natural……. And then I judge myself for not looking as pretty as the dolled up girl seated at the table next to me at a restaurant.
I love myself enough to buy lots of books and enroll in classes to feed my learning interests……. And then judge myself when I just want to sleep all day or watch movies.
On, and on.
I regard others with grace, acceptance, love, and encouragement, but I tend to withhold this regard toward my own self. I instead hold myself to impossible standards. I judge, I judge, I judge myself.
I judge the curves on my body for developing in ‘unwanted’ places.
I judge the blemishes that appear on my face……. And then return back to my judgments of my popcorn and gummy worm indulgences, assigning my behavior as the culprit. Oh, and how many of those extra cheesy, greasy burritos from the authentic Mexican joint down the road have I had this month? The ones that are so good you’re biting the residual cheese off the wrapper……. Yup, I should know better.
I judge myself for being “overly” sensitive.
I judge myself for being my quiet and reflective self while in a room full of others, assuming I must seem boring to those who aren’t in my head.
I judge myself for being “antisocial.” (Some of us are introverted, meaning we need a break from others to recharge, and that is okay!)
I judge myself for not being as far along in my career/relationships as I think (or society/peer comparison suggests) I should be.
The list goes on.
Alright, so it’s obvious my mental game needs some work. Clearly, I’m not doing the best job of loving myself. Judgments aren’t all bad—they point out to us modifications we may wish to make to our actions and behavior. They become problematic when they spew negativity. When they overwhelm and override any positive attributes we grant ourselves. The effects of the negativity of these thoughts wreak havoc on ourselves—mentally, emotionally, and physically. And I know what I say to my clients when they express them: “What would love say in this situation?” These negative attitudes toward ourselves are all too common; so it’s worth asking: What does true self-love look like?
Some people equate self-love with self-care. They consider self-love to be taking a warm bath, getting a massage or pedicure, or cozying up with a favorite book, but these are more surface-level actions. Self-care routines are important of course, but they do not quite meet the self-love mark.
Self-love is much deeper than anything we can “do” for ourselves. Self-love is a deep-rooted contentedness with ourselves that allows us to comfortably dwell within our inner experience.
“Self-love means finding peace within ourselves—resting comfortably within the depths of our being. We might find temporary respite by doing something to nurture ourselves. But a deeper inner peace requires cultivating a certain way of being with ourselves—a warm and nurturing attitude toward what we experience inside.”
- John Amodeo Ph.D., MFT
There is no reason not to love yourself. It does not matter who you are. Love is unconditional, meaning that under any and all conditions, love is available to all. We all make mistakes, and no one is perfect. Love does not judge, love just is.
When we engage in self-love, we are empathetic toward ourselves, nonjudgmental, present, mindful, and have an unconditional kind regard for whatever it is we are internally experiencing. Dr. Amodeo continues, “Judgmental voices from the past may have left a hidden residue of toxic shame, which blocks us from honoring or even noticing what we’re really feeling.” It takes strength to mindfully sit with our feelings, allowing a friendly space for them, free of judgment or added fear. It is possible to “be with” our emotions rather than be consumed by them.
In her book, Focusing-Oriented Art Therapy: Accessing the Body’s Wisdom and Creative Intelligence, psychotherapist Laury Rappaport suggests gentle inquires we might employ when sitting with our feelings:
Can you be friendly with that (felt sense)?
Can you say hello to that (felt sense) inside?
Imagine sitting down next to it. Can you keep it company much the way you would keep a vulnerable child company?
We are not trying to change or fix ourselves and feelings, but rather we are maintaining a sense of internal peace that allows us to simply be with the experience. Judgments, as well as subtle senses of fear or shame toward our own feelings, inhibit our experiences and feelings from fully revealing themselves inside us. Our emotions might feel vague or hazy, or we might just feel a queasiness in the stomach or a tightness in the chest, and push through the uneasiness without deciphering and exploring the internal struggle that caused that physical response. In these situations, we miss a vital opportunity to understand ourselves and inner workings, and possibly an opportunity to heal. When we acknowledge a fear, we can better understand it, hold it to the light, dispel any illusions on which it is based, and ultimately heal it. We patiently give it space, regard it in a friendly way through which it can fully express itself in our experience, and simply be with it. Feelings contain messages, and the more open we are to welcoming and exploring them, the more we are able to discern meaning and develop insight into our inner workings, subconscious programming and beliefs, and patterns of response to particular stimuli.
Through this practice, we can develop a greater appreciation for ourselves. With this appreciation comes enhanced trust in ourselves, prioritization of the self, decreased self judgment, development of healthy boundaries, and self forgiveness.
So let us move forward practicing compassion toward ourselves. We must give ourselves a break, catch ourselves when we engage in negative self-talk, and commit to providing ourselves an internal environment that is nourishing and allows us to grow toward our highest potential.
References
Amodeo, J. (2021). What it really means to love yourself. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/ intimacy-path-toward-spirituality/201510/what-it-really-means-love-yourself
Rappaport, L. (2009). Focusing-oriented art therapy: Accessing the body’s wisdom and creative intelligence. Laury Rappaport.